Hillbilly Hoodoo, Appalachian Granny Magic, and Superstitions You’ll Learn at Mawmaw’s House

I grew up in the hollers betweenst the mountains of eastern Kentucky. To say we’re a tad superstitious is a bit of an understatement. Here’s some of my favorites that I may or may not still subscribe to today.

If your nose is itching, you’ll soon have good company. Now I’ve had allergies all my life, so I was always itchin’.

If a broom or fork falls on its own, you’ll have unwanted company. Literally if you show up at my house unannounced, you’re unwanted no matter who you are.

Never lend a needle or salt… charge a penny cash, each.

If you tell your dreams before breakfast, they won’t come true… if you tell your nightmares before breakfast, they will.

A mirror laying flat under a full moon will show you what you need to see. I call this ‘scrying’, but Mamaw loved Jesus and would never use the Devil’s ways for divination.

Never say ‘thank you’ when someone gives you a plant, or it will surely die. Well that’s just a tad rude.

Paint your windowsills  blue to keep bad spirits away. Supposedly they can’t cross water and the color tricks them. I’m not sure I buy that…

If it rains while the sun’s shinin’, the Devil’s beatin’ his wife. Well alrighty then.

Cows laying down means bad weather is coming. Because the thought of a cow being tired is udderly absurd.

Don’t let birds make nest with your hair. You will end up going crazy.

If you dream about crossing water, there will be an illness in your family. Or you’ll piss the bed, probably.

If you dream about muddy water, you will have bad luck. I think this one means ‘Never trust a fart’.

If a cricket chirps in your fireplace, you’ll have good luck. No. Just no. I’m terrified of crickets, if one is in my house, I’m already experiencing bad luck.

It is bad luck to run backwards. You think people came to this conclusion because they busted their ass so many times?? Seems legit.

If you dream about death, it’s a sign that a weddin’ is near. Or a pregnancy.

If you rock an empty cradle, the baby will die. Oh my word…

If your ears are ringin’, you’re hearin’ the death bell, and a friend will soon pass away.

If a broken clock suddenly strikes, it’s a sure sign of death. This one is for real. Ain’t nothin’ right about clock you know is broken suddenly comin’ back to life.

To make a death charm, form a little figure out of wax (a poppet), make sure it contains some of the persons hair or fingernails. Throw it into the fire…. and wait.

To keep a witch outta your house, lay a broomstick across the doorstep. Come to think of it, this will probably keep anyone away, as you’ll be known as the person whose front doorstep trips people and breaks their ankles. Super effective, still.

To keep away ghosts, carry the left hind foot of a graveyard rabbit. Damn these shits are specific.

A snakeskin bag with a toad’s eye inside will also ward off the haints.

Dried basil hung over doorways, windows, and fireplaces will prevent ghosts from entering. Rue or purslane planted near the house wards off ghostly visitors.

Bells and chimes are methods of deterring the haints. This method comes from China and Scandinavia. Purty effective, too.

To get rid of a spirit in your house, leave out a plate of cooked potatoes just before sundown. Claim loudly that the potatoes are for the spirit. Bury the potatoes and the spirit should go with it.

To turn negative forces off yourself, toss 9 broom straws into a hearth fire, at sunset, one at a time. Seriously? Burning a broom?

I guess that’s all I got for now. Do I subscribe to any of this stuff? I’m a modern, 30-something woman with a keen understanding of the universe and it’s perfectly sensible workins. But, still, I walk out of graveyards backwards, I grab an umbrella when I see cows lying down, and when an elderly woman gives me garden clippins and says, “You know what not to say”, I assure her that I do 😉

Hail Midgard, Hail the ancestors! Thanks for bein’ here, tell yer mama’n ’em I said “hey”!

 

Dinner With Racists

Since I have decided to take the full plunge into Asatru, I have read every article, listened to every podcast, lurked every blog and FaceBook group available to find out just exactly where I fit in. I have found skinheads and universalists, larpers and downright fuckwits. It seems that no one can agree on anything…except… the importance of tribe-building and community.

Now… I hate these ideas. I like being alone. I like being a hermit, antisocial. But I am committed to being the very best heathen in this present time, and the very best ancestor for the future generation. This being said, I decided it was in my best interest to do some networking. I picked a guy whose podcast I particularly liked, sent him a message on Instagram, and a week later I had a meeting with 2 Folkbuilders from an organization I felt a kinship with.

Let’s clear something up right fast: I’m conservative. I like conservative values, traditional gender roles, and I believe in the importance of preserving each and every different culture. This is important because those are exactly the types of things that get you called ‘racist’, ‘bigot’, ‘homophobe’. I can assure you, I am none of these things.

What’s the worst word you can say in the Heathen community, though? My second favorite F word: Folkish. That’s me. So the people I had the meetin’ with? Also folkish.

Well here we are, in this pub, just chattin’ and gettin’ to know each other. Well you would not believe the things out of these peoples mouths! The number of times I heard the words ‘n*gger’, ‘dune coon’, ‘wetback’, ‘mud shark’… Blew my mind. Literally… I was floored.

Because it was zero. I heard those words zero times. Because ‘folkish’ doesn’t mean ‘racist’, I don’t give two good shits what the ACLU or SPLC says. I don’t care whose FaceBook has been shut down and who’s been branded a hate group. We talked about our families, our jobs, our spiritual journeys… You know, just like everybody else. So my dinner with racists went swimmingly. In fact, I sent in my membership application.

I have never been happier to find people as good-hearted and warm as they were, and my fiance and I look forward to building tribe and frith with them for years to come.

Hail the Gods! Hail our Folk! Hail our beautiful, European ancestors!

Carb-Cycling: Moderate Day

So, I shared a day of low carb eating. Today, Im having a moderate-carb day! After two lows in a row, this is exciting AF 😂

Meal 1: 2 scoops whey blend, 1/2 cup old-fashioned oats, 1T sweet-cream butter. 

Meal 2: 8 oz sirloin steak, like a shit-ton of broccoli (Im talkin like those steamable bags that tell you there’s 4 servings. Eat the whole damn bag.), 2 oz lowfat shredded cheese

Meal 3: 2 scoops protein/greens blend with 1 cup of egg whites (just throw it all in a shaker together, you’ll be fine, egg whites have no taste.)

Meal 4: 8 oz of baked salmon with 1 medium sweet potato, and 1T sweet-cream butter. 

Meal 5: 1 scoop casein protein at bedtime. 

This totals around 111g of carbs, 58g of fat, and 247g of protein. 

Most people will say high carb/cheat day is their fave day, but honestly, these moderate days are mine. These are the days I have the most energy, am in the best mood, and the least likely to start eating post-it notes. 

Thanks fer readin’! Hope y’all have a beautiful Wodensday, and tell yer mama’n ’em I said ‘hey’! 

Skål! 

Feminism Has Ruined My Life…

And here’s why…

Instead of me being home, cleaning, cooking, raising children and tending to my husband, I am expected… basically forced… to spend my life away from my home and family so that I can earn money, for the simple reason that the gov’t needs more incomes to tax. I am thoroughly convinced that when (((they))) started WW1, it forced women to leave the home, be thrown into laborious jobs, for the sole reason of having increased income to tax. Since then, somehow women think it’s cute to push for job placement traditionally held by men, then get butthurt when they aren’t paid as much. (Wage-gap isn’t real, by the way. Think of all the time women take off.)

Let’s get right to it. Women and men are not equal. Women cannot do anything a man can do. We’re not supposed to. We’re supposed to complement each other, not be a challenge to one another. Equality isn’t real. It doesn’t exist in nature. What does exist is a woman’s innate desire to be taken care of, and a man’s innate drive to provide and protect a family.

Fast forward to 2017: women with dyed armpit hair are voting Democrat (Communist Party) because the mouthpieces of this political  party promise what? Free shit. They promise to take care of them. They promise free healthcare, free education, government housing, etc. This party has broken down what a normal, traditional, healthy home life looks like and rebuilt it with the Government as the Head of Household. Women are still subservient, except the man taking care of you isn’t proud of you, doesn’t love you or your children, and is currently fucking everything else in the country. Women haven’t evolved beyond basic desires.

Do I hate my job? No. I love it. I love my coworkers. And since my son is school-aged, I do need something outside of the home to keep busy most days, at least while he is in his institution of brainwashing. But would I like the option to spend a few years barefoot and pregnant, just worrying about raising a family and tending to a husband? Yes. However, is it worth being away from said husband all the time because he is forced to work long jaunts away from home simply to allow me to stay home and raise children? I’m not sure. I love my son. And I feel an obligation to put more of our bloodline into the world. But I also love my significant other. I want to be around him. I want to see him every night. I want to kiss him goodbye every morning when he goes to a job that is local because we make enough together that he isn’t forced to work away from home 3 weeks out of every month. How do I resolve this? I’m not sure I can.

Who has ruined life for so many trad women? Feminists. Who created feminists (not the wonderful first-wave feminists, I’m talkin’ the disgusting, sorry excuses for females we see today, promoting child abuse in the form of forcing ‘trans’ on 8 year olds, wearing pussy hats, and marching for everything they already have rights to)? Well if I wrote it out, I’m sure this blog would be taken down quick and in a hurry. But you don’t have to think too hard about it…

I hope this doesn’t come across as me thinking women have no worth outside of making a home and raising children. What I hope people can take from this is that those things are very worthy endeavors. Men and women do not have to be equal biologically to be equally worthy in society. Traditional gender roles lead to the healthiest mindset a child can encounter. It lays ground for success in so many other facets of life. Traditional gender roles aren’t about holding women back, it’s about restoring natural balance. We are so far from nature and balance right now, we are feeling it globally. Men and women MUST learn to work together to make the healthiest environment possible for the future of our people. And that is never going to mean that men with soy poisoning should stay home with babies while women shirk their biological responsibilities to pursue a ‘career’.

I think I’ll end my rant here. Ladies, let’s stop trying to take over the boys club. It’s supposed to be a partnership, not a competition. Let us always recall the female counterparts to the Gods, their enormous contributions to our understanding of the power of femininity. Hail the Gods, Goddesses, and all the strong men and women we descend from! May we learn from them, may we be more like them.

Thanks for readin’, y’all have a good night, and tell yer mama’n ’em I said ‘Hey’!

 

 

You Should Go To The Martial Arts Gym…Like, Yesterday

So, I recently started listening to podcasts and have found a few I love. One is Barbarian Lounge with Alin Odinson. The episode I listened to today on my long jaunt south was Episode 62, regarding the Boston kids who got jumped in New Orleans. 

I’m not going to wax philosophical about every point he makes, but the general jist is, “Learn how to fucking defend yourself.” 

I personally have taken for granted my general appearance. I’m nearly 6 feet tall, fairly muscular, and I have a mohawk. I appear fairly un-fuck-with-able and for this reason, Ive never really felt threatened in my whole life. This will probably get me killed one day. 

Nevertheless, I belong to an awesome gym where many forms of violence are taught and encouraged. We have BJJ, Muay Thai people (my delicious fiancé included), kickboxing, reality fighting systems, etc. Now before you go tellin’ me how your Martial Arts Academy doesn’t include ‘reality fighting’ because ‘thats not a real martial art’, have a seat and take out a #2 pencil, ’cause I’m about to school ya. 

The word ‘martial’ literally means ‘of, or appropriate to war’. War is the most real thing a lot of people will ever experience. So if it ain’t ‘reality’, it ain’t ‘martial’. Say something. 🤷🏻‍♀️

In conclusion, find a martial arts academy that takes it’s defense classes seriously and lessen your chances of becoming a statistic. 

You can find this episode of Barbarian Lounge Here

Thanks for stoppin’ by, an’ tell yer mama’n ’em I said ‘Hey’! 

Carb Cycling: What is it, and why should you be doing it? 

Good morning health nuts, squat butts, and fitness sluts! It’s breakfast time! What better opportunity could I get to talk about my current obsession, Carb Cycling??!?!?!  

I’ve been carb-cycling strictly for around 5 weeks now and let me tell y’all, I haven’t found a more effective or sustainable nutrition plan yet. I’m down about 14 pounds of (what Im assuming is) fat and water, my clothes fit nicer, I feel amazing, and I look even better 👌🏻! It should also be noted that I haven’t lost strength in any lifts. 

So what’s my week in food look like? Pretty simple, really. I have 3 low carb days, 3 moderate carb days, and 1 high-carb/cheat day (I mean is it really even a ‘cheat’ if its planned into your macros anyway? I think not.). The numbers break down like this:

Low: .25 grams of carb per pound of desired weight.

Moderate: .5-.75 grams of carb per pound of desired weight. 

High: up to 2 grams of carb per pound of desired weight. 

I always keep my fat at around .25g per pound and my protein around 1.5g per pound. The only fluctuation is carb intake.  

For me, today is a low-carb day. Lets take a look at whats on the menu! 

Meal 1: 2 scoops of a lean protein blend, 1cup of egg whites, and 1/4 cup of shredded 2% cheese. 

Meal 2: 2 scoops whey protein. 

Meal 3: 8 oz of canned ham (“Oh my god the sodium! The leftover animal parts! The processed meat😱😱. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like it, it fits, and its not a normal menu item, so kiss my ass). 

Meal 4: 2 MORE scoops of a whey blend protein. 

Meal 5: 8 oz. ground beef (in a patty), 97/3. 

Meal 6: 1 cup of lowfat cottage cheese at bedtime. 

Totals around 51 carbs, 62 fat, and 280 protein. Is today boring? Yes. Is that a lot of supplementing? Yes. Does it work? Absolutely. Is it cost effective? Totally. Do I care that all the vegans are disgusted right now? Hhheeelllll Naawwww!! 

(It should be noted that this is a rest day menu. On lift days that also happen to fall on low-carb days, I will plan my carbs for before/after training so as to replace blood glucose quickly, providing energy for protein synthesis and muscle repair.) 

You can choose whatever days you like for the week! The low days do not need to be consecutive! I try to plan my low days on either rest days or cardio-only days, but thats definitely not a rule! Figure out what works for you and kick fats ass!! Remember, we are all ancestors-in-training. Let’s make the future proud! 💪🏼 

Thanks for bein’ here, and tell yer mama’n ’em I said ‘Hey!’